Enjoy a drama-free holiday with E+R=O
The Zone
Between chaotic family gatherings and end-of-year projects, the holidays can be a stressful time. And while it’s easy to be focused and live out your values when things are calm, it’s not so easy when you're tired, chasing deadlines and trying to keep everyone happy at work and at home.
So, what’s the answer? We thought it would be helpful to share a simple yet powerful formula to get you in the zone – and keep you there. Even when things get really hectic.
Introducing E+R=O
The formula we’d like to tell you about is:
Liam, our founder, came across this concept at a conference in New Zealand over 20 years ago. Standing up in front of hundreds of people, the presenter shared a startling story. After a childhood filled with abuse, she has become an abusive parent herself. But she was able to break the cycle when she realised she could choose a different response.
Her insight, based on the work of Lilburn Barksdale, was this: you can’t control events. But you can control what you do when those events happen. Rather than reacting instinctively, you can respond thoughtfully. And that response gives you control over the outcome – even if it’s just how you feel about it all afterwards. E+R=O.
Liam had previously understood this concept from reading Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning where he famously said “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” But hearing this woman’s story – feeling her journey and seeing her tears as she recounted her pain – was eye-opening for him. Her words touched his heart, and he decided to honour her invitation to use it and share it with others. E+R=O is now a much loved tool in our Zone coaching and team sessions.
Why E+R=O?
Believe it or not, you may already be using a version of E+R=O. Sayings like “count to ten before you reply” and “sleep on it” are both ways of giving ourselves time to think and feel our way through BEFORE we reply, and thereby land on a more desirable outcome.
But it can be challenging. Sometimes, it seems we’re hardwired to behave unhelpfully when something upsets us. We go off track and react in ways that are not aligned to our values, the reaction coming so quick and fast that we feel we have no choice. Others in our world are affected and a vicious cycle can begin.
E+R=O as a process helps us replace these damaging reactions with better responses. But it’s more than that. It’s about accepting that there are things you can’t control, and focusing on the things you can.
Think of it this way. There are many things in our outer world that we can’t control: the weather, the traffic, politicians or our bosses! If we try to make these the reference point for how we’re doing, we can feel swept along – like a victim, even.
But if we focus on our inner world, we can regain our composure, and make decisions that reflect our values. We’re once again operating from our zone.
That’s the point: once we have control of these old unhelpful behaviours, we can free ourselves of their legacy and change our lives. And when we change we can then lead others to change.
Developing a mindfulness practice and deliberately preparing for situations where you know an automatic reaction will not be helpful is a great place to start.
E+R=O in action
For teams, E+R=O provides a simple framework to work together and come up with creative solutions when challenges arise. Solutions that get everyone back in the zone: collective intelligence in action, values in alignment. Here’s how one of our clients used E+R=O to tackle a challenging situation during the holiday season.
The event
In early December, the team found out they would be able to launch a new product the first week of January. Excitement quickly turned to concern about how to make it happen WITHOUT disappointing family members over the holiday period.
Reaction vs response
The default reaction to this would have been to toughen up, knuckle down and execute. Business first. Family second. The outcome then would be Yes, we did it ... but at what cost to their family and home lives?
So, rather than diving in, the team got creative, brainstorming possible alternative responses to this event. What they landed on was this: Together we can make it ALL happen.. Their insight was that a January launch and quality family time were not mutually exclusive outcomes – once they were honest about their personal needs and pooled their resources.
Conversations were had and agreements made with each other and their families. Some team members had young children, and wanted to be home at particular times to see presents opened or attend family dinners. Other team members with different home lives could work on the product while this was happening. Give and take. When required, compromises were talked out, and solutions generated using the CQ of the wider team.
Throughout, the values of respect, honesty, teamwork and a commitment to a clear purpose were their guiding lights.
The outcome
Thanks to E+R=O, the client got to achieve their stretch goal and spend time together in the zone. The January launch was a success, and family relationships intact.
So, have a think. What event does your team need to work on this month to achieve a smooth transition into the holiday season for everyone?
Making E + R = O work for you
Are you ready to put E+R=O into action in your own life? We like to lighten up the serious stuff of life, which is why our exercises are always both fun and useful for everyday use. Here’s one to try.
Remember, the power of this tool is in your creativity and in your choice.
Step 1: Get a sheet of paper and draw 3 columns (or download our worksheet here).
Step 2: Think of an event where, if nothing changes, the outcome is both predictable and undesirable. Write it down in the first column.
For example: the event is a family Christmas dinner with Uncle Bill, who always says something controversial about the current political landscape.
Step 3: Now write down your default reaction in column 2 and the outcome you normally get in column 3 (the one you don’t want).
Your default reaction is to ‘bite’ back whenever Uncle Bill baits you. You dismiss his thinking as out of touch with reality.
The outcome is a bitter war of words while the rest of the family retreat to the kitchen. Some roll their eyes, and some get the popcorn ready (this is better than Netflix). You feel your blood pressure palpably rise. Peace and goodwill to all men and women? No chance.
Step 4: Now it’s time to brainstorm and have fun! First, think of the worst (and we mean worst) response you could’ve had. Don’t worry – we’re not advocating that you actually do this. Just imagine. Write down your worst response and what you think the outcome would have been.
Response: I could say “I give up on being part of this family!” and storm out of the house.
Outcome: A moment of shocked silence, followed by more drama, tears and regret.
Step 5: Now let’s try the opposite end of the response spectrum. What’s the funniest or craziest thing you could do? Again, write the potential outcome in column 3.
Response: I could throw the dessert at him!
Outcome: A moment of deep satisfaction followed by regret and the wrath of your mother for making a mess.
Step 6: Time to get realistic. Brainstorm a few other responses you could try. Write down next to each their potential outcomes. Try to come up with 5-6 different options here. Ask a friend or colleague for help if you like.
Response: Decide not to show up for dinner.
Outcome: No debate. But no family connection and celebration, either.
Response: Decide not to rise to the bait. Take the higher ground.
Outcome: A possible end to hostilities… or increased firepower from Uncle Bill.
Response: Ask the host of the dinner to instate a “No politics at the table” rule.
Outcome: No debate. The focus is on other things, like how grateful everyone is for the meal, and each other, and what brings you together. Connection.
Response: Reach out to Uncle Bill in advance and say that you are looking forward to discussing politics with him, just not at the table - how about a walk after the family meal?
Outcome: He feels valued, the conversation or debate is between the two of you and does not ripple stress waves into the family.
Step 7: Looking at the outcomes, which do you feel most closely approaches the ideal, and fits with your personal values? Pick something you would feel good about. Something that might set a positive example for others.
Step 8: If you get another chance, try the 'new you' response! If not, store it away for the future.
OPTIONAL: If you were in the wrong, and you feel it, there’s something you can always do. Simply apologise and ask if you can start over again. Then come through with your Step 7. Miracles can happen.
How did you do?
That’s it: your ticket to a calmer, more peaceful holiday in the zone. Give it a try, and if you can, let us know how it goes! We’d love to hear from you.